Why Marriage Won’t Make You Happy!

I started dreaming of my wedding from the time I turned five. And in all the variations of my dreams I would stand as the lead character in the plot I had so carefully cast, beaming with joy and palpitating from feverish excitement. Beside me would be my man, standing tall and fierce, with the aura of a prince and a charisma so staggering, all my guests and family are caught up in its awe. As they years advanced, the fantasies got bolder, empowered by romantic narratives from Holly Wood and Mills and Boons. However, by the time I was sixteen I began to wonder; what does it mean to live happily ever after? I mean, what really happens after the wedding; within the space of time known as the marriage?

As if the questions dancing around my head were not enough, life sent me an unpaid screen view from the love scene my favourite couple. I was eighteen and had gone to visit one of my aunties. This couple were the definition of ‘keep your hands on me or I’ll die without you’ kind of love. Their romance was that intoxicating, so much that I found myself ogling this ‘uncle’ on several occasions, wishing I would land a man just like him. Of course, that was before the weekend I watched him pound her.  Blinded by his rage, he drummed his fists on her, as she screamed, and flailed and hurled all sorts of curses on him.

Of course their situation is an exception, and I am certainly not making a case of domestic violence in every marriage. But still, this incident among others opened up a pathway to some questions I dared not ask; questions I had neatly folded and tucked away because the answers would have shattered the walls of my illusions. Questions however, that found themselves, slowly climbing up the slippery walls of my mind and sliding all the way down to my lips. Questions that softly asked; does happily ever after really exist? Does marriage truly make you happy?

So recently, I found myself in a conversation with a female friend at the verge of desperation. She was twenty nine, single and was resolved in her heart that the universe had conspired against her. Her reason was not farfetched. It was the age old trauma of having no husband in a Patriarchal society, and the fact that her biological clock was ticking like a timepiece in a competition for a grand prize.

So we sat there together, me; adjusting my butt on the bed, trying to figure out the best way to not sound patronizing, she; pouring out her heart; reeling out the woes of single hood, one horror at a time.

“Tochi, you don’t understand. I’m not happy; I need to be married in order to be fulfilled”

“Marriage won’t make you happy”, I blurted out. I was as surprised by the words as my friend who was at this point staring at me as if I had developed a second head.

“What are you even saying? She asked incredulously. And that is when it dawned on me. My words were not intended as a comfort to her despairing heart, they were an answer to the questions that occupied by mind from my teenage years. Questions that were once and for all silenced by that simple phrase “Marriage won’t make you happy”.

And I will share three reasons why I am committed to that conclusion.

• Happiness is not an event. It is a state of mind. Wearing a ring, regardless of how many karats of gold, does not guarantee that you are fulfilled or anything remotely close. The truth is, if you are sad as a single person, you will likely be depressed as a married person. And this goes both ways. Whether as a man or a woman. Because after all that great sex and endless conversations, you would still have to pay the bills and deal with all the issues that harassed you as a single person. Only this time you have to do it for two.
• Your partner is a bundle of surprises. And I don’t mean the surprise that leaves you utterly thrilled, but you know that kind that leaves your jaw dropping in disbelief. Let me put it this way, nobody is perfect, we are all just operating at different levels of dysfunction. And you would be amazed that your prince not only farts and snores, but can be spiteful, sarcastic and stingy. What happens when the shroud of his façade falls off and you are left with a true picture of his/her humanity?
• You deserve more than happiness. Forever is a long time to be nothing but giddy. And eventually you would realise that there are other great important things in life, like higher purpose and societal contribution, and while being happy and content in the arms of one person is great, it is simply not all you have been called for.

I must mention that I do not have anything against marriage. How could I? I’m all about love remember? But I just want to remind you that you are single, not stricken by an incurable disease. So stop acting disadvantaged or putting your dreams on hold. Stop waiting for an event to be truly happy. Happily ever after can start now for you, and continue after you are married. Because really, marriage won’t make you happy. Only you can make you happy!