Love and Relationship: How to Respond To the Silent Treatment

I often recall my time in secondary school with mixed feelings.  It was a boarding facility and I was there against my will. And if that was not bad enough, I was not particularly the academic type, so my stay there can be best described as torturous, as it involved sitting through biology class, having to do dirty dormitory work and constantly dreading the ever evil presence of seniors..

But when all the emotional blackmail I used on my father to get him to take me out of boarding school failed, I decided it was time to develop coping mechanisms. So I learned to let my mind drift during class, let it roam freely to a place without stupid assignments, vicious teachers, and painfully bland meals. I also learned to feign tears and inflict myself with all kinds of diseases in order to avoid the usual chores.

In spite of the tediousness that this phase of growing up entailed, I managed to also have the time of my life and build the most amazing relationships with two students, Ufy and Jules. Ours was a formidable friendship based on mutual interests; essentially boys, food and disinterest for any serious work. But like in all ‘cliques’ or relationships, disagreements are bound to happen. And we had our fair share of them which primarily included accusations of going for meals without the other party or hiding a candy bar to eat alone. Being young and narrow-minded, I often responded to these fall outs by giving them the silent treatment. I played it so well and so often, it became a weapon I wielded to get what I wanted. Thinking back now, I see it for what it truly is, childish, manipulative and downright unfair.

Silent Treatment.

Unfortunately, a lot of people are still stranded in that emotional state, where the way to express hurt is to willfully and maliciously withhold communication.  Just the other day, I was chatting with a friend when he mentioned casually that his wife had not spoken to him in two weeks. Two whole weeks, living in the same house, sleeping on the same bed, yet not speaking to each other. And all because he had sincerely refused a favour she had requested.

I am not here to take sides, but I do know, from experience and observation, that this kind of a behavior exists in many relationships, romantic or otherwise. I also understand that the silent treatment is a sort of coping strategy for people who are not able to articulate their emotions or hurts at a given moment. So even though in that context it may be understandable, but in many scenarios it is plain manipulation, carefully plotted to make people do our bidding or punish them for not doing so.

As someone who has been on both the giving and receiving end of the silent treatment, I can tell you for a fact that if not managed well, it can lead to a complete breakdown of the relationship in its entirety. If you are on the receiving end, here are a few ways to deal with the issue.

1. Understand the cause. It can be really tempting to reward the silent treatment with a withdrawal of your own, because really, nobody has time for nonsense. But on the long term, it is not the wisest move for your relationship. It is very difficult but much better to confront your partner or friend, and let them know that you can interpret their behavior and would like to talk about why they are acting that way. If it will make them feel better, offer an apology.

2. Don’t force communication. This sounds contradictory to what I mentioned earlier, but it is also important to know that once you have extended an olive branch, you should maintain your dignity by not groveling for your partner’s attention. So if you earlier requested conversation and were resisted with silence, don’t force it. Give them more space and time to cool off.

3. Get on with your life. You know the wife who mopes into space all day because her husband is not on speaking terms with her? Well, don’t be that woman. Don’t be spiteful but by all means, get on with your life. Take up activities you would ordinarily have done together. Seeing you unaffected causes the other party to see the futility in what they are doing and hopefully brings them back to their sense.

4. Be open to reconciliation. Especially because from personal experience, the silent treatment goes on for long because the person who started it is afraid to lose face and reach out. So don’t increase the difficulty. When they are ready, make the situation less awkward by meeting them halfway. You can eventually talk about why they had to act that way much later.

5. Practice patience. I am going to assume that the goal is to save your relationship. So if this is the case, then patience is key. Be patient with your partner, but be patient with yourself as well. We do after all, all come with our baggage.