Love and Relationship: Because a woman has the right to change her mind

I wish this is a love story, but sadly it is not. It is rather the unfortunate tale of feigned innocence, juvenile naivety and the alarming evil that pulls at the strings of a man’s heart. I am a secondary narrator though — I first heard it from a lawyer at an event where I was fortunate enough to speak recently.

It all started with butterflies and fireworks on a social media platform. This girl, just 17, went prowling around the inter-web looking for excitement. And she found it on a guy’s Facebook profile. I presume he ‘stole’ her heart with meaningless love messages and the usual things that get teenagers excited. They eventually agreed to meet. Maybe to consummate their affection, maybe to quench an aching boredom, or maybe it was the usual teenage rebellion against commonsensical boundaries. Whatever the reason, the venue happened to be an uncompleted building and this 17-year-old teenage girl willfully climbed to the topmost floor with her ‘internet’ Romeo.

I assume your imagination can lead to a logical conclusion, but I will spare no detail. What followed was a near successful rape incident, aborted only by the desperate resistance from the teenager. In fact, her resistance was so desperate that it led her to jump from the top floor of this unfinished building, breaking her spinal cord in the process. She has since been sentenced to live the rest of her life without the ability to use her legs. This is a fact. It happened in Lagos and the perpetrator was acquitted on a basis of a vague legality on the issue surrounding consent.

Let me guess the emotions running through your mind. Outrage, disgust and maybe a little finger pointing at this teenager for going to an uncompleted building with a guy she had never met. Now, I am all for proactive parenting, as a matter of fact, I have been known to share some of my conservative perspective on grooming of the girl child, some of which include;  sit right, dress right and all such  ‘60’s ideologies. But I strongly believe there is no contributory role a woman can play to validate this dehumanising invasion called rape, or even its attempt.

I am emphasising this because we live in a society that often attributes blame to victims of rape. You actually hear statements like ‘she asked for it’, ‘why did she dress like that?’ or like in the case I just shared ‘Why did she follow him to an uncompleted building?’

The other day, I found myself having a conversation with a male colleague who strongly believed that when it comes to wooing and seducing a woman, her ‘No’, actually means ‘Yes’. So naturally, this brings me to the issue of consent, particularly as it is a critical element in determining whether or not the offence of rape has been committed. An issue as obvious as a woman’s consent or lack of it continues to be blurred by people who insist on a grayish interpretation of what should otherwise be seen as either black or white.

Only recently I was in Balogun market. But it suddenly began to rain and pedestrians had to scuttle off to take shade. There was a woman who was rather heavily endowed around her hip area. And as she stood there, we all started hearing the catcalls directed at her. Stupid phrases like ‘Nne, you be my size, you be my colour’ and several other incomprehensible sounds filled with sexual innuendo. I watched her cringe and tried to speak up in her defence but my words were drowned by their increasing jests. The truth is simple, sexual offences, whether rape or at the basic level of harassment, exists because sexual perpetrators continue to view women as objects of sexual gratification.  It is this objectification that leaves the matter of a woman saying Yes or No open to various interpretations.

I know that men get raped too, but I will focus on women because statistics, legal framework and access to justice, do not favour that particular group. I read an article that reported that out of the 764 rape clients represented by Mirabel centre, only 3 convictions have been recorded in the last two years. Convictions are so low and perpetrators often walk away on legalities such as implied consent and lack of corroborative evidence.

Now back to the story I started with. The offender was acquitted on the basis of some legality, one of which was from the speculation that a lady who follows a man to an uncompleted building must have had the ‘intention/desire’ for sex. And this brings me to the crux of my article.  So what if she started off with the desire to have sex with the stranger? Does that mean she had given off her right to change her mind before the act? Can consent not be withdrawn?  Is it cast in stone? Should a woman be pinned to the ground and forcefully invaded because she ‘led a man on’?.

This blaming and shaming must stop. Beyond teaching our ladies about boundaries, we must teach our men to value and insist on a woman’s consent. And most of all, we must bear in mind that consent given can also be withdrawn. There is no excuse on earth that validates rape!