Love and Relationship: Enough with the silly excuses for abuse

I used to have this neighbour; tall, dark, hunk of a guy. He had the typical gym instructor — all muscles and six packs — kind of appeal. He was married to a dainty woman with near perfect skin. Their son, only six back then, was a bundle of cuteness, energy and missing teeth. My family had just moved into the area, but I was completely smitten.

  No, not by the man, but by the idea of their ‘togetherness’. So much so that I would peep from my window most mornings and watch as his wife, wrapped in her blue silk robe, wave him off to work and stand till his car was out of sight. However, my illusions were violently shattered six weeks after my initial observation.

It all started with the screams that pierced into the night, jarring me awake. At first my heart raced at the possibility of robbers in the vicinity. But slowly, it registered; that tell all sound of metal cluttering and a woman’s voice alternating between sobbing and screaming. What finally broke my heart was not the distinct roar of Mr hunk’s voice as he said ‘I will show you that I. AM. A. MAN, but rather, the depressive shrill of their six-year-old as he cried ‘d-daddy please-e, leave mommy alone.’

Image: kitsch-slapped.com

Not sure how to process the situation in my sixteen-year-old mind, I listened in that night, and many nights after that. It turned out to be a frequent occurrence in a neighborhood where everyone pretty much minded their business [My family inclusive]. I often wondered how that woman coped. How she looked him in the eye and smiled through breakfast. How she walked him to his car routinely, wrapped in a robe that certainly covered scars. It was simply beyond me to understand how they could seat and laugh together; knowing that one wrong statement or a trip from the bar would result in blows on her back. How on earth does a woman love a man who makes her six-year-old son repeatedly beg for her life?

As if that experience was not enough, my first roommate in the university was a young lady whose boyfriend beat her silly. For years, she went from sexual objectification, verbal taunting and then, physical abuse; all from someone who was still sagging his jeans. Last I heard, they were married. I sometimes wonder how that is going.

So yes, abuse happens in relationships, usually by the stronger party preying on the other person. I say stronger partly because you need to see some women mal-handle men. And with the alarming rise of NGO’s catering to these issues, you would think the occurrence would somehow be less prevalent. Until you meet the 34-year-old woman with a black eye, beaten to a pulp, on a hospital bed, making excuses and asking when she can be discharged to return to her family.

But why do women do these things to themselves? Why do you insist on a love that breaks and bruises you? I don’t get it. But I have decided to pick some of the silly excuses we give to validate abuse, hopefully, so that we can both reach the conclusion that these excuses will never be good enough.

• I Provoked Him. It is really pitiable that a woman would believe there is actually something she can logically do to provoke a man into hitting her or worse, hitting her repeatedly. It is also very convenient that he is provoked to violence by something you did, but takes insults from his female employer. Like I said, not good enough.

• But I Love Him. Darling, it is not love. Living in fear, guarding your words, constantly apologising and making excuses for the bruises, that is not love or commitment. It is you, dying slowly because you have resigned to live out a script of bad decisions.

• He Does Not Mean To. Yes, he comes back begging with gifts and vows never to hurt you again. Who knows, he may actually shed a tear or two. Yet you know at the back of your mind that he said the same things the last eleven times or so. And you must also know that the next time he sheds tears might very well be over your grave.

• He Cannot Help Himself. You might have come to this conclusion after his relatives told you how he watched his father beat his mother as a child. Except that violence is a choice and not a gene you inherit from your parents.

• All Men Are Like That. Nope. Sorry, all men are not like that.

• I Find Violence Attractive.Okay, you should see a doctor. Not because women should not get to decide what works or doesn’t work for them, but because that kind of mindset endangers other women. Yes, for every time you condone abuse, you give another woman a reason to condone it as well.

So there! It’s time to stop with these excuses. Do something. Seek help. Walk away. Whatever you decide, just don’t die!