I like to think I am an open book. For instance, one moment I’m directing interviews at a press conference and the next, I’m giving advice to a journalist from a past relationship. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m one of those ‘I can’t help myself, I gotta talk now or die’ kind of person.
What I’m saying is: I really have no secrets. Okay, let’s say I don’t have the compulsive desire to keep anything about me from others — my English birth name aside. So personally, I have never been able to understand ‘secretive’ people. From those who hide how far gone they are in their pregnancy to those who won’t tell their closest buddies when they have a job interview. So imagine my surprise one time when I ran off with my sister’s laptop, only to find it locked/coded. I wasn’t so shocked, until I called, begged and feigned tears asking for the password. Yet she did not budge. The context is better appreciated when you consider that this is my sister. I have seen her in her highest and lowest. And in every awkward situation imaginable, and have loved her, in-growing toenail, allergies and all. So I really don’t see her need to hide anything from me.
But this post is not about her. It might serve as emotional blackmail on some level, but other than that, no connection. We are two grown adults, leading separate lives. And our relationship can hardly be described as a partnership.
Speaking of partnerships, the other day, a friend of mine happened upon my post on trust and transparency, and decided to take me up. He locks his phones and laptops and insists his wife not access them. Now, this my friend is a respectable person, I really doubt he has pictures of naked women dancing around his phone. And I can almost say he has no hidden philandering escapades either. But he says he would rather maintain his privacy to prevent the innocent snooping from a well-meaning but overly curious wife. The conversation got me thinking about boundaries and privacy, and how much partners should really open up to each other.
For instance, would you as a man confide in your partner about a colleague you find attractive? Would you as a lady tell your man when an ex-boyfriend calls with somewhat hidden intentions? Just how much information are you willing to share about your past, family or work? What exactly should be held back and safely coded?
Of course, I’m saying this against the backdrop of a personal conviction that transparency and openness are paramount in every relationship. But apparently, not always so, as I have recently learned.
A friend of mine many years ago had his girlfriend confide in him of an incident of sexual molestation. At the time, he was young, foolish and unable to deal with the information and as a result, their relationship was sentenced to an untimely death. I imagine the lady won’t be too quick to tell the next guy about the molestation. And I imagine there are many people out there who withhold information because their partners are unable to deal with it. So in that particular instance, it’s understandable that people want to keep certain things to themselves.
But the deal is, where do we draw the line? When is it okay to hold back and when do you stop to say so so needs to know this?
Well, I have three parameters for measuring honesty and openness. I mean, I favour complete transparency, but I acknowledge there are situations where exceptions might be made to save the relationship. So these are my yardsticks, and I do hope you find them useful.
- Will the information affect their decision to be with you? That is, if the situation is something that will affect their decision to be with you in the first place, like a Genotype or a previous family or a sexual preference, then they should definitely know.
- Will the information directly affect the relationship in its current state? A great example would be an act of infidelity or betrayal of financial trust. If it is something that sits at the core of the relationship and trust, then the partner should definitely know.
- Will the information affect the mental well-being of your partner? So I have a theory. If the situation will arouse curiosity or create an increased sense of paranoia, then maybe you shouldn’t be quick to share. For instance, I really don’t see the need to tell your spouse about every person who flirts with you.
But most importantly, every relationship should at least be built on truth (the ability to give and take same) and trust (the assurance of not being judged ). And as long as you decide to stay honest with each other and keep communication open, you will be fine, locked gadgets or not.
How about you? How open are you willing to be with your partner?
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