Love and Relationship: Stop being so clingy

I used to be a hopeless romantic, and by some stroke of luck, I have managed to retain certain elements of that nature. So, I completely understand the exhilaration that comes with trophy relationships.

In a world punctuated with betrayal, pain and death, love is not only a beautiful aspiration, it is also a remarkable conquest: the greatest of all human achievements. Unfortunately, the romantic brand of love is not evenly distributed, not even remotely. In fact, it trickles down with a sparseness that leaves humanity even hungrier for the promise of its satisfaction. How else will you explain the sense of devastation that trails most heartbreaks? Or the need to wear our latest relationships as social accessories? And how else, if you are like me, would you meet a stranger in the banking hall and mentally plan an entire lifetime together, in the space of 30 minutes?

The answer is not far-fetched. We all want love. We want the giddiness and completeness of it. We want to sing in the shower and write bad poetry and hear someone say our name with such intensity. Never mind how ridiculous this commercially sold concept is, we still want it. And sometimes we find it, not as flowery as anticipated, but we find it regardless. Then, because we have been fed fat with the illusion of what we think love should be, and the feelings we think love should give us, we hold our partners accountable to unusual standards of presence and performance. We make demands without using words, hold on too tightly to what they represent, use them to pad our insecurities, and almost predictably, send them running straight out of our lives.

True. More often than not, it is obvious that the only problem with a relationship is a partner’s fairy-tale approach to it. A sense of unrealistic expectation that often manifests with such partner being too clingy or emotionally draining.

So, permit me to spotlight on ‘clingyness’; not the brutality of its repercussions to any relationship (you already know that) but on how to work yourself mentally to stop being too clingy.

1. Respect personal space. Set boundaries. I know the earth quakes when you hear your partner laugh and magic happens when you two are together, still, understand that it’s likely not comfortable to chit-chat all day or to be everywhere together. Allow some distance. Don’t just offer it, insist on it. Not every time ‘you complete me’ text messages, once in a while give your partner a breather to do something great with his/her life.

2. Get self-sufficient. As enthusiastic as I am about love, I often marvel at the idea that we think a person could in a way, complete us. This kind of thinking is dangerous. Partners should complement each other, but really, everyone is born as a complete human being. Practice independence. Learn to stand on your own. It is unrealistic to burden someone with the idea of constantly needing them. And in some cases, to give that impression is a kind of emotional blackmail.

3. Pursue companionship in other places. I am all for having your partner as your best friend. Matter of fact, I think it should be the bedrock of any relationship. But the emphasis is on best friend, not only friend. It’s okay to interact and connect with other people. Heck, gossiping with just one person is not much fun anyway. So get up and plug in with other people. Don’t abandon your family or friends because of romantic love. You will neither be the first or last person to fall in love, so don’t lose your life is the process.

4. Overcome your insecurities. Start by admitting that these insecurities exist. Like the fear of losing the love of your life. Or the fear of being alone. Confront those fears with the idea that you have no control over them. Invariably, don’t police your partner’s activities by asking where they have been all day or who they are with. You cannot bind a person to you by verbally harassing or stalking them.

5. Get a life. Be selfish. You know those things that make you happy? Well, go out there and do them. Sitting at home all day, making tea and smoothies, can drive you to extreme boredom. The kind of boredom that texts your partner 17 times and accuses him/her of not texting back.

6. Don’t be ridiculous. Don’t make atrocious demands just to feed your sense of self importance. Saying things like ‘if you love me, you will do this for me or stay here with me’ or whatever. That is just painful and sad and desperate. Don’t be that person.

7. Lastly, don’t stay latched on a person who has let go of you. If they want out of the relationship and have made it glaringly clear, let them go. What you want is to be loved, not to be carried through life in painful endurance.