Love and Relationship: On Arguments and Disagreements

Mothers are always right. Of course, this sounds like a sweeping statement, but there is hardly a child, who has not, at one time or the other, run into the all knowing counsel of their mother.

 They (mothers) know the exact shade of brown the plantain should be, know how to  ‘handle’ embarrassing boils sprouting in unmentionable places, know what career paths you should follow and who you should marry, and even know the deepest private fantasies you had as a teenager. Their wisdom is the kind that has persisted through every stage of  development and has followed us into adulthood with a permanence that cannot be erased. And if this entire paragraph does not convince you of their infallibility, remember that they put up with you for nine months as you stretched and wore out their slender frames.

Basically, always agree with your mother. Or at least, pretend to. If not for anything, for the sheer fact that any deterrence to their eager and often unsolicited counsel will be chased down with accusations of ingratitude.

Thankfully, no other relationship has that peculiar advantage. I mean, you are under no obligation to agree with any other human. Not your father, not your best friend and certainly not your partner. Actually, especially not your partner, seeing that sometimes their entrance into your life is fueled by the mission to frustrate you with their horrifying opinions. Okay, I exaggerate, but, you get my drift. You will not always see eye to eye with your partner or with most other people, and, no matter how wonderfully built a person is, or how intellectually exciting they sound, their truth will not always be your truth.

You will not always see eye to eye with your partner or with most other people, and, no matter how wonderfully built a person is, or how intellectually exciting they sound, their truth will not always be your truth.

As you may have imagined from  personal experiences, disagreements are inescapable. But it doesn’t always have to be accompanied with ugly consequences. No one really needs to leave an argument or disagreement with a sense of victory or defeat. And there is absolutely no need to develop horns and become a monster in the heat of the exchange. So, I have detailed a few points to bear in mind the next time someone comes into your space and claims the sky is pink. Here goes:

1. Respect: I don’t quite mean to state the obvious, but it will be nice to remember that we get into arguments/disagreements with human beings who have human feelings and who must be treated with a reasonable amount of human dignity. It is absurd to directly attack personalities or your opponent’s sense of judgment while making your case.  People’s opinions are largely informed by their experiences and to some extent, there is a measure of authenticity in every truth they stand by. So please, respect that, without necessarily agreeing with them.
2. Privacy:. Don’t disagree with your partner or family or friend, in public. Don’t do it. It doesn’t matter how urgent the situation is or if your opinion will prevent an asteroid from hitting the earth. Wait it out, please. At least long enough to disagree privately. If you cannot always publicly affirm, then stay silent. But don’t attack or rebuke publicly.
3. Tone: You know how in an argument, your voice gets raised and your veins start pushing through your skin, and you keep saying ‘I’m not angry, I’m not angry’ but no one really believes you because you have all the symptoms of anger? Well, that’s exactly how your tone applies. The way you sound is actually more convincing than what you are saying. So there is no point if you think you are saying all the right thing but voice is saying other things. Basically, mind your body language.
4. Practice perspective: Ask yourself ‘what is the point, really?’ Because let’s face it, constant bickering will eventually wear out even the strongest bonds. Yet, you would be surprised to find out the pettiness some serious rivalries are born out from. So the next time you want to disagree on something as mundane as what the Obamas had for lunch, you will do well to remember that the Obamas neither know you or your spouse, nor will your debate aid  their digestion. Get the gist?  If the information doesn’t affect you directly or matter in the long term, it’s best to let it go before it becomes another reason for the silent treatment.
5. Leave it in the past: Okay, I probably should take my advice, because we all know in practical scenarios, most arguments are saved up as evidence for future disagreements. And honestly, it’s hard to come out of an argument without a little bit of resentment. But, resist the urge to bring it up or to punish a person for the side they have taken or worse, to withdraw.

It might be hard to keep up with this impractical list, but if you make an effort, you might find that it is worth it. And if everything else fails, you could always nod and pretend you agree. It works all the time.