No Such Thing as a Soul Mate

I remember the first time I saw the movie, Titanic. It was during my days at Queens College. Back then, on some public holidays, they would file us to one of the assembly halls for a movie treat, more like torture actually, considering that sometimes we were subjected to badly directed stage plays by Unilag Drama students. But I clearly digress.

Anyway, on this particular day, we marched to the hall with an arrogant indifference. If there was any luck, the movie/play would be bearably boring and we would break into small gist groups. But Titanic was different. By the end of it, the hall was almost tangibly sober. But no, it was not merely the sobriety that comes with death, but that which travels with the awareness of a life that was previously hidden from you.

For many of us, it was a awakening. And with every tear that escaped my eyelids, seeds were sown. Seeds which could not be undone. I think that’s how my subtle thirst and search for true love began.

So yes, I spent all my teenage years believing in notions of a “soul mate” or “The One”. I mean, I wanted earth shattering magic. I wanted the Romeo and Juliet “I’ll die if you die kind of love” and as a favourite, I kept recalling the handsomeness of Jack, floating from the love that literally froze and drowned him to death. To have that kind of effect on another human being had to be divine. And then, the idea of being whisked to eternal bliss by the charms of another person was something I simply had to have.

Then I met my first boyfriend. He was tall and dark, though a little bit lacking on the handsome bit. But it didn’t matter. What however mattered was that I saw a side I had never considered before. His humanity. That meant that he would fart, without warning. He would fail his exams, tell lies and hang out with really weird people. It didn’t matter that he had one of the kindest hearts a human can have, or that 10 years after we broke up, we have managed to stay friends,  or that he managed to remember every birthday, every friend who was dear to me and every family member, nuclear and otherwise. You see, I didn’t feel that Rose and Jack effect, so erm, we broke up.

In the years that have passed since that time, I have grown enough to know that the idea of having a soul mate,  is a fraud. As a matter of fact, it is not just impractical to expect that there is a human being who is designed solely for you, without whom your life is a meaningless sham of existence, you know, a man whose strength will fit into every softness or a woman whose laughter will douse every firmness. It is not just impractical, it is unhealthy. This idealistic idea of having a soul mate or a perfect partner is perhaps the reason why we have let many good things go. And recently I have come to the conclusion that as far as this ‘soul mate’ thing goes, it does not exist. And here is why I think so.

1. We seriously need to get over ourselves. The very idea of a soul mate suggests that there is someone out there created specifically to complete us.  The emphasis being that it is still about us. Apart from the sad reality that there is really no one out there who can complete you. The truth is, love should not be about you or what you can get or who is perfect for you or whose smile shoots you to the stars. I’m not saying those things are not important, but if all you think about is how a person makes you feel or look, then it is primarily selfish and well, shouldn’t have to be so.
2. Everyone gets a second chance. Actually, we all get more than a second chance. Have you ever wondered why people take their lives when certain relationships fail to work out? It’s because they believe they have lost the one person made for them. So what happens when your assumed soul mate walks away, doesn’t feel the same way or even dies? Simple. Someone else fills the spot. Like I said, there is no one single fit, if you are open enough, you would find that happiness is in all the places you never thought you would find it. So if you have ever thought you could not survive without a person, well, you were wrong.
3. Relationships are hard work. So darling, even if the sun turns blue and you find a perfect person or your soul mate, it isn’t going to automatically make things easy in your relationship. Soul mate or not, it won’t always be kisses and passionate fevers. You need to learn to deal with people, for who they are, with all their imperfections.

Again, what you need for a successful relationship isn’t a soul mate.  You don’t need a woman or man with whom you can strike off every requirement on your list. Stop waiting for your heart to fall out of your chest before you realise you have something good. And as my personal recipe, I will say, if most of the time you can laugh together as friends, then go for it. And leave your soul to figure out the rest.